One of the moments I apprehend the most is « family time ». Not that I don’t like being around my beloved ones but I kind of find it hard to be myself, especially now that being sick is part of being myself too.
I have been sick or tired so many times around them that now the « poor baby we will take care of you » has switched to « Sick again? Come oonn » and nobody ever questions the cruelty of this reaction! It is like if the definition of « chronic » loses all its sense when it comes to me. Therefore I’m just a lazy person who « thinks » that she’s sick when all she should do is shake herself up a little bit and start doing more activities…
To be honest I’m quite proud of myself to be able to type these words on my phone instead of throwing it on the first person I see. Even my hubby applauses my self control ! When all I can think is : Girl believe me you don’t have the energy for that!
In other words, I don’t get back at people who hurt me because I can’t find the physical nor the mental strength to do so and the more I shut up, the more they get disrespectful and mean.
It’s been quite sometime that I decided to start working from home so I can finally realize one of my dreams: write a book ( which is considered a shame since I waste the years I spent in college to do something that is not even a real job) and also cause my body and mind can’t handle a full-time commitment if we agree that a job is a commitment!
Since I don’t think much of myself either, I always try to remind them that I am not useless and this is how I find myself doing small jobs for everyone, for free 🙂 and the last time I tried to help a member of my family getting a job done, I ended up with a devastating flare that lasted a week. A week where I couldn’t even write or get anything done and this is what happens when you keep trying to make everyone else satisfied and happy, everyone but yourself!
The worst part is actually when I hear people telling me that I should do it more often and that working outside would help me feel better. I wonder why they did not become great doctors by now ! Since their advices are working so well on me.
Note to myself: You should force yourself much more to fit into the NORMALITY box and understand once and for all that fatigue, pain, anxiety, IBS, sleep deprivation, skin rashes, sciatica, PMS and the many other symptoms that I try to live with, are just my imagination in action. (Spot the irony)
Note to others: At least I have a great imagination but what about you? What can you do beside being a REAL PAIN IN THE A*** ?
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