Remember the decision I made about not talking to close ones about my illness ?
I never made the presumptuous assumption that this decision wouldn’t bite me in the a** at some point, but to be honest I didn’t think that would happen so quickly. I naively thought that I would have enough time to figure out how to deal with holidays, funerals, family gatherings and birthdays without becoming a mascot for CFS. But life has decided otherwise in a very karmaotic* way, just like every time you think you actually « have a plan ». That you have it all figured out.
The plan was simple and clear : Stop talking about my illness and keeping this part of my life on mute for quite sometime; Moving 300 miles away from family and friends and acting as Normal as possible when visiting them; Somehow learn to live a little bit better with my condition AND more importantly; realize the real impact it has on my life and my personality in progress. All of this so I could focus on my well being and the future I’m trying to build with my other half.
This decision have became unbearable in so many ways and on so many occasions that it actually took me forever to write this article, which I am sure, will be messy and probably unfinished… I tried to make a list of all the times I terribly wanted to shout : »I am sick and tired, you crazy people » and finally ended up making a list of countries my hubby and I could consider as plan B.
At this point would you believe me if I tell you that I do not consider myself as a Denier* nor a quitter but I actually think that there is no other way around. The more I talk to people, the more I realize they don’t need to know. The thing is, lies never made people happy and I was never one to hide behind a pile of lies to survive. If I come to think about it, it might even be how I got here at the first place ! I never chose the easy way and now that I’m kind of trying to adopt the » run and don’t look back » attitude. I realize that easy is not only a bad move when facing difficulties ; it is actually not a move at all. It just takes you nowhere once you reach the first roundabout and I’m soooo tired of turning around it over and over again.
I wanted to protect my intimacy and morale, as well as protect the ones who love me by holding back the truth ( Don’t worry, I realize how silly it sounds); I ended up making a list of all the times they blamed me while I could have totally blamed it on Fibromyalgia! That’s the least I could ask of a chronically annoying illness, don’t you think?
I could blame it for the break-up with one of my closest friend who I disappointed by « forgetting important things ». I tried to talk to her before about Fibromyalgia and it was one hell of a « What not to say to a chronically ill person » tour so I just gave up the idea of introducing her to my other bff, Brain fog.
I could blame it for the time I had to apologize to my little niece for not being able to attend her first Ballet performance (that only takes place every two years). I could blame it for all the times I made up lies just to leave because I needed to lay my head down. I could blame it for questioning my ability to have kids or attending another funeral (I can’t handle any more funerals, period). I could blame it for wanting people to get lost on their way to our apartment, especially when they decide to pay you a 2 days visit by surprise!
I could blame it for not being able to put the right words on how I feel and for letting things become so messy and unprocessed in my mind…
I could blame it for everything but that wouldn’t change a thing. Why ? Precisely because I’m all blame and guilt and that I chose lying as a shield. And this, Ladies and Gentelmen is how you turn one of your worst nightmares (being an imposter) into reality. So like I told you, this article is messy and obviously unfinished but at least it reflects how lost and insecure I presently feel and as soon as I hit the publish button, I will be one step closer to admitting that having a chronic illness is My new normal and normally, I am not one to pretend.
*Denier: someone who lives in denial or chooses denial as his or her first option.
*Karmaotic: Combination of Karma and Chaotic. No further explanation needed.