My hubby and I are finally ready to show up to the wedding. Even though it is hard to walk with high heels while ignoring the pain that has been embracing my foot for so long I might as well call it family, it makes me feel a little bit more confident, feminine and pretty. I put a little more effort to hold my head high and my back straight (it is kind of hard to do when you constantly feel like you are caring a mountain on your shoulders), strive to put a large smile on my face and suddenly, BAM, I tripped over a rug, a step, both or my own feet, I don’t know! The more I was trying to get back my balance quickly, the more I tripped and fell down on my knees. What I feared the most just happened: pain and shame on the same time!

What better way to relax and chill out than be the star of a video good enough to be part of the month’s selection of fail army? That is called relativism 🙂 and you need a bunch of it to overcome shameful situations. Even Queen Cersei looked better than me after the walk of shame but it’s ok, I managed to turn the situation into a humorous one by saying « with all these eyes on me, no wonder, I tripped « .

There were about two hundred guest and I had to say hello to almost the half. How do you do that when your back and feet are hurting like hell and gravity is pulling your body to the ground? Well, you tell people that you have a bad flu and that you don’t want to infect them! that is what I did and it didn’t work out for me, either they were too happy to see me or they didn’t care 🙂

I managed to go back and fourth between the tables to say hello (mostly to my friend’s parents), fought a way through the crowd to tell the bride that she was doing great (it was the main reason of my presence) and came back to my place to rest my feet and have a glass of water. I even received compliments from everyone about my look and for being agreeable and pleasant like always.

Then here comes the bride !

See, finally it isn’t that hard, you are handling this like a boss, K ! That is until I looked to my mom who handed me a paper tissue and whispered « are you okay, you are over-sweating and your hands are shaking ». She was right, I was feeling weird and kind of dizzy but I simply responded « it’s too hot in here and I didn’t eat much », which was more than enough to reassure my Mom. I always have the right answer to explain why I don’t look good but lately, it became harder to find the right words or should I say, the right excuses, and even though it is not helping out my relationship with others, I try to avoid them as much as I can. I can’t manage to lie anymore, especially when you don’t understand what you are supposed to lie about.

Leaving the best for the end, I thought that in order to appear in the wedding video and pictures (I was there!) I had to push myself to the dance floor and THAT was the worst idea I had after deciding to become a liar. For a person who loves to dance and enjoy loud music, this was one of the hardest moments ever. The music sounded too loud until it became cottony, my vision was troubles and blurry and the second I felt bad enough to try to rush to the nearest seat, my sister took my hand (which was agonizing in pain too) and dragged me to her to dance, leaving me no choice but to scream loud enough to leave her, and everyone who saw the scene, in shock. It slipped out. I didn’t want to sound rude or crazy but if I hadn’t manage to sit down quickly, I was going to collapse in front of everyone and ruin my friend’s most important day.

I always said that good music is to be felt

That was more than enough for me to pick my things, my man and head up home before Cinderella gets back to her initial state.

One of my childhood’s best friends got married today. I did my best to be at her wedding and share this wonderful moment with her. But this experience reminded me how my condition is making everything harder for me, even attending happy events. It is starting to rule every part of my life, making me feel like drowning in a sea of frustration, disappointment, anxiety and anger.

I’m only in the early beginnings. My symptoms are just starting to introduce themselves, one by one (or in group, they like to do that as well), my depression is dragging me down more than ever and I never felt this bad around others. I just can’t deal with others. I don’t feel comfortable around people, especially close ones. Every event I have to attend be it a family reunion, a wedding or even a funeral, is a real ordeal and all I know is I just don’t want to be part of it anymore.

I don’t know if it is ever going to get better. I mean, my relationship with others, of course. I don’t know if I’m ever going to find the strength to live a « normal » life and be me again. It was already hard enough to learn to understand myself and get respect from others and now it’s like I have to do it all over again. Even though I’m not sure what it means to be me anymore, I need to accept that I ‘m changing and that I might not be who I was before, but whoever I become and no matter how hard it is going to be, I will definitely still be someone who is trying her best.