This one is about thinking you found someone who actually understands how hard it is and you discover that No, not happening! All the compassion and understanding part was just so I could accept the advices and boosting techniques that would follow. I know that it sounds pretty pretentious and that I should be happy that someone cares about me but just like with family, I am tired to constantly repeat that I do not need to be saved or cured by them, I just need acceptance and understanding, period. Why is so hard for them to understand that not everything is in my head? At that point I’m willing to think that it is all happening in their head, while it is actually happening to me and it even has a name: F-I-B-R-O-F***-I-N-G-M-Y-A-L-G-I-A.
I know that I don’t go out much (which is also inherent to my personality, but no one cares). I don’t like spending too much time outside (at least not in the city) and the fact that I decided to work from home is a huge step for me even though it sounds like « doing nothing at home » to almost everyone around me.
I made the mistake to think that if someone has gone through some hard stuff of their own (health issues exactly), then they might understand exactly how I feel. I know, please don’t laugh at my ignorance. It’s like I haven’t quite understood the » everyone reacts differently and can suffer from different symptoms » part. How can I not beat myself up when I think that I might be weaker, less productive and more not-looking-so-good than everyone else, may they be sick or not.
Plus the girls that live around me seem to wanna have fun more than me and I am not sure in which category I belong to now. Girls who cannot have fun ! I guess.
Whether it is when I’m going shopping with my sister and not being able to walk out of pain, making it therefore impossible for two sisters to spend quality time together (according to my lovely sis) or when I need to take a short nap (a really short nap this time) after having lunch with family or spending the weekend with my incredibly understanding new friend, I just wait for the moment it is going to end and I finally can lay down on my bed. In other words, everything I do is poorly done according to people’s expectations and by people I mean all the well-intended persons in my life who still think that if I can get it out of my head, then I would finally live to my fullest potential.
K.
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