Why? Why is it so hard to start a new life? Moving to a new city? Starting a new job? Why is it so hard to start? For years now, I have been dreaming about my own home where I could live happily ever after with my man. A cosy place where everything is chosen, made or fixed the way I want. A place under only one jurisdiction, mine. Though we experienced renting, it never really felt like home and the number that goes with it at the end of the month was simply not helping with my sleeping issues. Now that we are able to set foot in our first home, now that I am about to realize what seemed to me like the #1 priority in my life, I realize, once again, that « ever after » was just a response to author’s blank page!
Where to start? the frustration we felt after putting every single penny we had on acquiring that flat and ending up with no furniture and no money? the bruises I have on my hand while trying to shine and polish every single inch of it? the emotional drama that we had to go through the moment our parents realized that we were « actually » moving miles away from them? it’s like the whole world decided that making things too easy and smooth for me would probably affect its equilibrium, so what do I do? smile and say thank you or get pissed out so much that my bones would start hurting for God knows what reason?
Let’s start with the bruises. It seems like it is the first time I ever put hand on a broom stick! my hands burn, I have blisters on my palms (I always thought blisters were only for the feet) and every single part of my body, mobile or not, is being either crushed or torn, but I can’t see any other explanation to my « physical state ». The worst is, at the end of the day, I am not even sure that I am dying but it still feels like it. All of this because I moved to a new place! I moved. You know this thing millions of people do everyday? after what they still feel normal or at least not on the edge of dying with pain? THAT thing killed my dreams, accomplishments, motivation and satisfaction for the rest of the week, month, who knows? and that’s a shame!
I don’t really want to talk about the emotional distress and at this point, I am pretty sure that it is never going away, so what? is there to say? do my emotions (negative ones mostly), make me more physically tired and sick or is it the other way around? the two are probably just working together and I am sitting here playing who’s first? the egg or the chicken?
The family drama part needs a separate blog and a lot more energy than I could ever have for the rest of my life. It is just like ‘ »the beauty and the bold » soap opera. It exists from as far as I could remember and I still don’t get it, why are people so eager for drama? different people, different times, but same old mixture, a lot of drama and a big spoon of WTF situations. My friends used to call me « Drama Queen » cause (you know dogs don’t give birth to cats) and yet I still think of myself as the less « overdoing it » one. The thing is, that doesn’t apply to my family only, but it seems like all the people that officially become part of my life, line up and excitingly wait for the moment to offer their best performance.
That doesn’t help. That just makes it impossible for me to imagine a simple and balanced life. Not with the secret I am keeping. Not with the doses of doubt, anxiety and pain I daily take for breakfast. Not with the anger I have toward all the people who are supposed to help me but just make it harder instead. Not with the not-so-honest tricks I use, to fool myself everyday. This is not getting better, this time it is not going to be different, and it is not only happening in my mind! That is what I need to understand and accept, meanwhile I blame people for the exact same thing I do to myself, what does it make me? I guess that just makes me one of them or maybe just my own worst enemy.