When I look into my side table drawer, I see everything but a twenty-six years old’s side table. Two books that I will eventually finish up reading, a medium-sized case with drugs for practically everything that I am proud to not use as often as it may suggest; a spring water spray, a pen, the last enlightening invention I recently acquired during the international fair of Paris (a TENS* device created by a group of French physiotherapists that simply does what most physiotherapists do to help me feel better (and my pocket a bit lighter 😉 ), pregnancy pills and two little bottles of prescription pills.
Yes, those exact pills the doctor prescribed me for depression that I was procrastinating about. I started taking the treatment about ten days ago and I just feel…. calm. Or at least I think I do look calm and just for this we could say that the treatment is working like a charm! I am not sure that stress and anxiety have magically disappeared but it is like they are trapped. They are not even looking for a way out. Doesn’t worth the effort maybe. Does it make me feel sleepy, lazy and less vigilant? I wouldn’t be able to tell if it’s the pills or just who I usually am. I am so vigilant that sometimes it makes me feel like I’m standing still. The sleepiness and lazyness parts are just my daily piece of pie for months now, maybe years, I don’t know. Though it is quite late right now and I am sitting here talking about sleepiness.
The thing is I don’t quite understand why afternoon siesta is a glance at how heaven would look like to me. Nothing ever feels better, it is my own caprice that in reality is obviously much more than that ! Its is what keeps me sane and standing up on my feet, most of the time. I don’t know if the pills are going to help me, or not. I have to at least wait a few days more to know what I think about it, or should I say, how I feel about it. It always takes time for me to adapt, it is like a self resistance I trained myself to. Concerning other pills I might consider taking to help me go through the million other symptoms I deal with everyday, I just decided to take none of them. No more pills!
No more untwenty-six years old’s side table. I know that sometimes it just simply feels easier and even a little bit better with the help of a little pill, but I know that it only fools me. It makes me think that I feel better, it makes me think that it is just going to go away. It makes me think that my body is okay when actually it is not, and I can’t keep doing this. The pain is taking so many pieces of my life everyday, of who I am and how I perceive my abilities, but at least it reminds me that it is there, for a long time, when I expect it the less, when I fear it the most and especially whan I forget about it.
My condition is not going to make me who I am but putting it aside and trying to deny and ignore is just going to make me someone I am not. So as long as I can just move on without those pills, I will. I don’t know how long it will take before it becomes inevitable, but I trully hope that is going to be the latest possible if not just never.
*TENS stands for Transcutaneous Electric Nerve Stimulation. I found this particular one innovational because compared to other devices that need to be equipped with a screen and internal software, Bluetens uses your Smartphone so all you need is to download their application and follow the steps to properly use the device. Their motto is « get better » and they do a hell of a job to make it possible. For me it does wonders! I am usually very skeptical toward this kind of « promises » but it kind of helped me with the pain, it is easy to use, very small so I use it everywhere and didn’t cost me a fortune. You can check out their site if you want http://bluetens.com/en/le-bluetens/ cause I promised myself that if they hold to their promise and not sell me another fake gadget, I will definitely talk about them all around me 🙂