I should probably take my pills. I need to take whatever is going to help me not hate the world around me. It’s been few weeks after my doctor prescribed me some medication depression and I still haven’t open the bottle yet. I am waiting for the best time to start taking them and it is quite never the right time!

Everyday I say to myself, you should have started taking them yesterday. I know that whatever effect this might have, I’ll have to wait for several weeks, make adjustments and learn to handle some side effects before seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. But the way I feel everyday when I wake up, just makes me blame myself for not having started yesterday. Every day seems harder. I am not sure if it is technically possible but that is how I currently feel. I believe that no treatment at all would just erase it and make my life easier to live but maybe it would at some point, help me with the mood swings, anxiety, sleep and probably not care about others. I don’t know, whatever chemistry those little pills operate on the brain, I need to say that it sometimes work, a bit. To be honest, all I care about is the sleepiness you feel after the first doses, just before you just get used to whatever molecule is making you feel momentarily, good; and for me, nothing rythmes more with good these last days than sleep.

I am experiencing one of these moments when you just focus on this one little thing as your one and only solution, as your obvious mind map for salvation. This moment usually precedes the one when you realize that it isn’t so easy and that the problem can really not be solved even if you take all the medication you can (actually that would solve the problem on the long term but I would say it is too radical and permanent to be a smart solution).

Will it ever go away? this sentiment that whatever you do, whoever you meet and wherever you go you will still feel lonely, moody and anxious. I feel lonely, moody and anxious while sitting in the sun, feet in the water and enjoying the sun’s caresses on my face. How is this even possible?

At least I am giving myself a refill of vitamin D. That is one less pill on the pile.

I can’t even know if this depression I am talking about came with fibromyalgia or is just a part of my brilliant personality since forever. I feel like shit. Sorry for the bad words, but honestly no other word could describe how I feel cause no other word is even deigning to show up and help me describe and recognize my feelings so I could manage them better. That just sounded like one of the depression-related articles you find in lousy health magazines but that is the truth!

If I don’t find a way to manage all these dark thoughts and feelings that are messing with my head, NO ONE and nothing would ever make me feel better. Not even the pills!